


Alien Shit: Courtship Rituals

by RandomFandom5



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Aliens, Intergalactic Cookbook Shenanigans, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 10:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11229228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomFandom5/pseuds/RandomFandom5
Summary: Just when Bitty thought he was on smooth ground with the aliens who have abducted him, one of them goes flirting with him...according to their customs, anyway.





	Alien Shit: Courtship Rituals

**Author's Note:**

> So I posted this on tumblr a while back for my girlfriend (@gaystrophysicist) for the prompt "intergalactic cookbook shenanigans," and it seemed to be a hit there, so I thought it might be in my best interests to post it here too. Hope you enjoy!

Depending on how this ends, this is either the best or worst day of Bitty’s life. Certainly, it’s the most interesting.

He has a cookbook open in his lap and a frown on his face. He’s sitting in a chair on one side of the living area, while Ransom, Holster, and Shitty are packed onto the couch on the other side, watching him like he’s the last five minutes of a hockey game.

“Maybe it’s Lardo,” suggests Holster.

The other three give him identical looks of weary disgust.

“What?” he says defensively. “It’s not like we can rule anyone out. She has no reason not to be interested in Bitty, right?”

Shitty mutters something that the translator doesn’t quite pick up.

“What’s this about being interested in Bitty?” asks Lardo, who _was not in the room half a second ago,_ from the couch.

“Bitty got a cookbook,” says Holster gleefully.

“We’re trying to figure out who it’s from.”

“ _They’re_ trying to figure out who it’s from,” corrects Bitty. “ _I_ want to know more about this courtship thing.”

Lardo flicks her tongue out, which from what Bitty gathers is their species’ equivalent of shrugging. “There’s not much to it. When you like-like someone—” (Bitty doesn’t know whether that’s the best translation of that concept that the device can make or this group of aliens just goes around saying _like-like._ ) “—you give them an anonymous cookbook. They guess who it’s from, and once they do that, they give you their yes or no.”

“Yes or no, as in, I will or won’t _date you?_ ”

The other four squint at him.

“I will or won’t be in a romantic relationship with you, I mean,” clarifies Bitty.

“Oh, then yes,” says Lardo. “Totally. 100%.”

“I can’t believe we didn’t cover this in ‘Alien Shit,’” says Ransom. “Courtship rituals – first priority!”

“Courtship isn’t my first priority,” squeaks Bitty, flushing.

“Aw, don’t be embarrassed, my dude,” says Shitty. “It’s a natural part of life. For some people, I mean, for some people it’s not, and that is cool. We’re with you if you want to make something out of this, whatever it actually, y'know, is.” He looks up at a point over Bitty’s shoulder. “Oh, hey, Jack.”

It’s only by sheer luck that Bitty doesn’t fall off of his chair. He twists in his seat, and Jack is, of course, standing right behind him.

“What’s all this?” he asks in his vaguely stern way.

“Our very own Bitty is going through a rite of passage,” says Ransom, in the same gleeful tone Holster had used earlier.

“Is this like when he ate lxceki for the first time and vomited all over his sleeping quarters?” Jack asks, and half-smiles, as though he remembers it _fondly._

“Sort of…?” tries Bitty.

“He’s received his very first cookbook,” says Lardo, smiling at him proudly.

Jack, however, is no longer smiling. “He…did?”

“Yeah,” says Holster. “Found it outside his quarters this morning. Asked us about it, and here we are.”

Jack stares at them for a moment, says faintly, “I have to go do something else,” and leaves.

They stare after him.

“Call me paranoid,” says Ransom, “but I don’t think he actually had to go do something else.”

“This is Jack we’re talking about, though,” counters Holster. “He knows Bitty likes baking. Maybe he’s just trying to be multicultural? Lest we forget the time when he stayed up all night researching human body chemicals and then followed Bitty around telling him to ‘eat more protein.’”

“Never forget,” agrees Ransom solemnly.

“Ignore them,” Lardo advises Bitty. “This could be something worth pursuing. Pursue it. Pursue it at top speed. Pursue it and catch it and bring it back to your young.”

The forced metaphor doesn’t faze him. _Nothing_ fazes him.

He might be rethinking _don’t fall for an alien._

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up on tumblr @the-gay-shakespeare-expert with any prompts -- go through my tag "writing prompts," unless you have something of your own. Even if you don't want to prompt me, come say hi! 
> 
> Any and all reviews are much appreciated. Thanks for reading!


End file.
